Effing Dykes Offers: Exactly What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your pal. Everyone got your buddy? Good. Hold on fast your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause it is a genuine story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, whenever I had been thus recently homosexual I didn’t even understand I was newly gay…

An older lesbians to now-defunct queer bar labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself completely merely here to dancing)


gave me some information:

1)


Never ever start a combined bank account together with your lover



2)


Cannot fake sexual climaxes



3)


Verify a female’s nails are thoroughly clean.

The sensible lesbian was at her late 40’s, an age-group so far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t actually imagine just what it should be want to be thus old.

Just how unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Right here she actually is at a bar and she is outdated. I really hope I don’t finish lonely like this lady.

Isn’t it enjoyable to-be the biggest market of a world?

Exactly what a tiny bit crap I was.

For whatever reason, though, we was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying the woman three principles to myself.

As I woke right up, I imagined ones.

It absolutely was similar to into the sterling silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be billed by Aslan to consider The indicators.


You should not behave like you don’t re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least once per year.

In any event! throughout the years, i recalled the three existence instructions the lesbian had trained myself. The woman advice made feeling.

I never ever unwrapped a combined bank account with anyone.

We never faked orgasms again following the first couple of times I did it, recognizing I became, actually, dooming myself to a perpetual period of shitty gender by worthwhile poor overall performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”

And that I always covertly inspected a girl’s nails before I slept together.

Small? Check.

No abrasive borders? Check Always.

Clean? It’s go time.

But precisely why, nymphos?


What’s the big issue about nails?


What exactly is while using the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I am talking about, alright, I get it. Its more challenging to bang with long fingernails. You could possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it is maybe not impossible. I have had lengthy nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all that hard — you simply remember to make use of the shields of your own hands.

Why had been that lesbian very emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision doing some debunking.

Undoubtedly nothing could truly happen to you should you got screwed by some body with filthy fingernails.

And then we remembered a tale therefore horrible I’d almost forgotten it.

Homos.

Terrible shit sometimes happens.

This terror story pertains to united states courtesy of my good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who’s got viewed a lot more pussy in heating than a kitty center on Free Spay time.

Ok.

Cai


was a student in Miami when she met a very hot femme we will phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies cooking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had massive gold hoops that shimmered in the light, and in addition had among the many best asses


Cai


had actually viewed.

She covertly texted me personally a picture of

Katie

in the swimming pool so she could boast, and that I texted back,


“I would personally hit that till my hand decrease off.”

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There was in fact some significant ingesting.

While undressing


Katie


when you look at the half-light,


Cai


saw one thing she hadn’t truly observed before:



Katie had cool fingernails.

Actually,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t end the emotional picture of the nails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


also leave

Katie


bang their, despite the reality she normally never ever lets anyone accomplish that. Just what hell, she thought. Going house the next day. Never ever see this girl once more. I am able to get topped for a night.

Let’s fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

One thing was actually completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Honestly, honestly incorrect. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing as a result. When I state some I mean extreme. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is exactly what relationship is about, whenever she informed me, we mentioned,


“So you at long last got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went residence, googled “the clap” and turned into convinced that she did, undoubtedly have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever before


(she had been 28),


to your queer-friendly area gyno center.

They failed to understand what was actually incorrect with her.

They tested the lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She required answers. She was indeed getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much four weeks today.

So that they provided this lady an ultrasound.

AND MIGHT YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Genital tears. Throughout the within her vag.

Lots and lots of rips.

Cai


was indeed ripped to shreds. Her insides were clinging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday designs in there.

And everything – every finally inch – was actually infected.

It can seem that whenever Katie used her fabulous lengthy nails to offer

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, nobody knew that the woman fingernails were also a festering reproduction ground for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Astonishing.

Cai


claims to being a stone-cold leading ever since.

My personal best friend wikipedia claims you can acquire terrible problems from filthy nails. Evidently, discover occasionally staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that may trigger something from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna say.

That smart lesbian had been spot-on along with her existence instructions.

Never start a combined bank checking account with your partner.

Never artificial sexual climaxes.

And holy mummy of goodness, see a brand new strategy’s fingernails before screwing.

Or perhaps you are destined to endure the destiny of Cai.

THE FINISH

I Need To wonder, though…

Have any of y’all ever before gotten something nasty from another girl’s fingers?

Or observed someone who did?

Or is this mostly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands tend to be inching towards travel-sized Purell package.

I wanted answers.